II. Define
The following exercise will serve as the pivotal point of transformation for all the relationships in your life both present and future. It can be seen as the core source of truth that you commit to in every interaction, connection or conversation you have.
This exercise defines the structure to which you can show up authentically and joyfully in any relationship regardless of the challenges.
In this section, you will learn to design contracts for all the relationships in your life, including the one you have with yourself.
Before you start creating these transformative contracts, it’s essential to understand the three core concepts outlined below. These principles will guide you in crafting powerful agreements that have the potential to transform every aspect of your life and the relationships in it.
I. Authenticity
Living authentically is surprisingly a state that's unfamiliar to many of us, whether you believe it or not. The reason for this is that throughout most of our lives we’ve been conditioned to suppress our true selves, whether to appease others, avoid conflict, or achieve our goals by compromising our values.
“Put simply, people consistently act inconsistently, unaware of the contradiction between their espoused theory and their theory-in-use, between the way they think they are acting, and the way they really act.”
–Chris Argyris, “Teaching Smart People How to Learn"
Many of us believe we are authentic in our romantic and personal relationships, but the truth is that, all too often, we are consistently inauthentic. Often, we avoid confronting these inauthenticities because doing so would require us to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. We may not even realize it, but we hide our inauthenticities from ourselves as much as we do from others.
In relationships, one of our deepest desires is to be admired and validated by our partner. However, few of us are willing to fully confront just how much we seek admiration, and how easily we will compromise honesty or transparency when we feel that doing so might threaten that admiration. This could mean withholding our true feelings or pretending to agree with something, just to preserve the image of ourselves we want our partner to see.
We also have a tendency to prioritize loyalty in our relationships. While loyalty is a noble virtue, many of us only act loyal to avoid the discomfort of losing our partner’s admiration or affection. In these moments, we sacrifice integrity by pretending to uphold loyalty when, deep down, we may be motivated more by fear than by genuine commitment. We’re not always being loyal because it’s the right thing to do—we may simply fear the consequences of not being seen that way.
Additionally, we often have a strong desire to “look good” in our relationships. We want our partner or future partners to believe we are always understanding, wise, or well-informed—even when we are not. We may pretend to understand something, agree with a decision, or express an opinion simply because we want to maintain the appearance of competence or emotional availability. We hide our true feelings or misunderstandings to avoid the vulnerability of admitting we don’t know or aren’t sure.
While this might sound like the behavior of someone else, it’s important to recognize that these tendencies exist in all of us. We all fall short of perfect authenticity in our relationships—it’s part of being human. True growth in relationships comes not from eliminating these tendencies, but from acknowledging them and learning to master them.
How to Be Authentic
Being authentic is being willing to discover, confront, and tell the truth about your inauthenticities – where you are not being genuine, real, or authentic.
Specifically, where in your life are you not being or acting consistent with who you hold yourself out to be for others, and where are you not being or acting consistent with who you hold yourself to be for yourself.
The actionable pathway to authenticity is to: Be authentic about your inauthenticities—both to yourself and to others.
To achieve this, you must connect with the part of yourself that allows you to be authentically honest about your inauthenticities. That part of you—your perfect self—is the foundation of your authenticity.
You will know this process is complete when you are able to openly acknowledge your inauthenticities everywhere you go, experiencing the freedom, courage, and peace of mind that come with doing so.
Great partners are those who can see these inauthenticities within themselves and take responsibility for them. It’s not about being infallible or always acting with flawless integrity, but about becoming aware of when we are being inauthentic, and then consciously choosing to correct our course.
In any of your relationships, there will be moments when you catch yourself being small or inauthentic. You won’t always like what you see, but by identifying these moments and owning them, you will give yourself the power to create a deeper, more honest connection with those around you. It’s through confronting these weaknesses and striving to be authentic that you can transform any relationship into something profoundly genuine and fulfilling.
II. Cause In The Matter
By designing contracts with yourself and others, you are stepping into a powerful mode of being called “cause in the matter.” Being cause in the matter means embracing your role as the sole creator of your experiences in life.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way”
-Viktor Frankl
Choosing to be “cause in the matter” shifts the way you experience the world from reactive to proactive. Instead of letting external circumstances dictate how you feel or act, you’re choosing to embody the values that are important to you, no matter what’s going on around you.
You’re no longer just responding out of habit or conditioning, but consciously choosing to act in a way that reflects your highest self. This transforms how you engage in relationships, work, and personal growth. It puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life.
For example, if you’re frustrated in a relationship, instead of blaming the other person, you begin to ask, How am I showing up in this situation? Are there things I could be doing differently?
This self-reflection allows you to take ownership of the dynamic and make changes that positively impact the relationship. By being the cause in the matter, you stop waiting for others to change and start taking responsibility for your own part in creating the relationship you desire.
Steps to Become Cause In The Matter
1. Acknowledge Your Power of Choice
The first step is to realize that no matter what happens around you, you always have the power to choose how you respond. While you can’t control external events, you can control your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This means you are not at the mercy of circumstances or other people’s behaviors—you are the creator of your own experience.
2. Take Full Responsibility Without Blame
Being “cause in the matter” means owning the fact that your actions and decisions are responsible for the way things unfold in your life. It’s about recognizing that you are not just a victim of your circumstances but the creator of your reality. This includes acknowledging when things go wrong and understanding your role in those situations, rather than blaming others, yourself or external factors.
3. Shift Your Mindset from Reaction to Creation
Being “cause in the matter” means shifting from a reactive mindset to a proactive one. Instead of letting things happen to you, you take action with purpose and direction.
This shift means consciously creating your life through deliberate choices. For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by a project, instead of reacting with stress and avoidance, you would create a plan to break down the project into manageable steps, taking action with a sense of clarity and control.
4. Own Your Emotions and Responses
Emotions are powerful, and it can be easy to fall into the trap of feeling like your emotions are something that just happen to you. When you are “cause in the matter”, you take ownership of your emotions. Instead of saying, “I’m angry because of what they did,” you say, “I’m feeling anger, and I am choosing how I respond to this emotion.”
This level of emotional awareness gives you the power to choose how to express and navigate your feelings. It prevents you from being overwhelmed by emotions or blaming others for how you feel.
5. Create and Enforce Boundaries
Being “cause in the matter” also involves setting clear boundaries that protect your energy and well-being. Boundaries help you define how you want to be treated and the space you need to thrive. When you allow others to overstep your boundaries, you’re giving up your power. By setting and enforcing boundaries, you are asserting control over your life and the way others interact with you. This will be a large part of what you will be doing with your contracts: enforcing them in a positive, meaningful, uplifting and productive way.
6. Practice Consistent Self-Reflection
To remain “cause in the matter”, regular self-reflection is essential. Taking time to review your actions, thoughts, and outcomes allows you to see if you’re aligned with your personal agreements and values. If you notice you’ve fallen out of alignment, take responsibility for it and course-correct.
Taking Responsibility vs. Assigning Blame or Guilt
Within the concept of “cause in the matter”, there’s a critical distinction between taking responsibility and assigning blame or guilt, either to yourself or others. While both involve acknowledgment of actions or outcomes, they come from very different places of intention and empowerment.
Taking Responsibility
Taking responsibility is about understanding your role in any situation without getting stuck in self-judgment or a negative mindset. When you take responsibility, you are acknowledging your influence or impact on the outcome, but you do so with the intention of creating a solution or making a change. It’s about owning your choices, thoughts, and actions in order to move forward in a way that aligns with your values and goals.
For example, if you miss a deadline at work, taking responsibility means you acknowledge that your actions (or lack of action) contributed to that outcome. However, you don’t dwell on it or beat yourself up. Instead, you focus on how you can prevent this from happening again, and you make a plan to improve.
Assigning Blame or Guilt
Assigning blame or guilt on the other hand, is a reactive and often disempowering process. It involves pointing fingers at yourself or others as the cause of the problem or failure. When you blame, you’re often looking for someone (including yourself) to carry the burden of fault, which typically doesn’t lead to growth or positive change. Instead, it can create feelings of shame, defensiveness, or resentment, which block you from finding solutions or creating real transformation.
For example, if you miss a deadline and immediately start blaming yourself for being “irresponsible” or “lazy,” you’re assigning guilt to yourself. You’re not seeking growth or learning from the situation; instead, you’re reinforcing a negative belief about your own worth or abilities. Alternatively, if you blame a colleague for not giving you enough information, you’re avoiding your own role in the situation and shifting the responsibility onto someone else.
III. Integrity
This exercise you’re about to embark on is rooted in the principle of integrity. Integrity serves as a foundation that equips individuals with unwavering confidence, clarity, authentic self-expression, stability, courage, and conviction. In our program, we liken integrity to a bicycle wheel—when even one spoke is damaged or misaligned, the entire wheel’s integrity is compromised.
This means that if even one area of your life is neglected or out of alignment, it will inevitably impact the quality of your relationships. Without integrity, the foundation of trust, authenticity, and connection begins to erode. You cannot fully show up for others or cultivate the deep, meaningful relationships you desire if parts of your life are ignored or avoided. True integrity allows you to be your best self, creating the space for relationships to thrive and flourish.
What is Integrity?
Integrity is fundamentally about a person’s word—nothing more, nothing less. You embody integrity when your word is whole and complete, meaning your actions align with your promises. Your word includes the speaking of your actions as in “actions speak louder than words”
Your Word Defined:
1. What You Commit To: Your word is your bond. Whatever you commit to doing (or not doing), you follow through on, and complete on time, unless you’ve explicitly stated otherwise.
2. What You Know: Integrity includes doing what you know is right or necessary. When you are aware of the actions required, you perform them as intended and on time, unless you have explicitly stated an exception.
3. What Is Expected: Integrity is also about fulfilling unspoken expectations. If others expect you to do (or not do) something, you take responsibility for meeting those expectations and complete the task on time, unless you’ve explicitly stated otherwise.
4. What You Say Is So: When you assert something to others—whether it’s about a state of the world or a particular situation—your word holds weight. You must be willing to be held accountable and provide evidence to validate your assertions, ensuring others can independently verify their truth.
5. What You Stand For: Integrity includes the principles and values you stand by, whether they are publicly declared or internalized. These are the standards by which you measure yourself and hold yourself accountable, both with others and within yourself.
6. Morality, Ethics, and Legality: Your integrity encompasses adherence to social, ethical, and legal standards within your community, society, or state. These external standards reflect the responsibilities you take on through your membership in these groups, and you align your actions with them.
When Integrity is Compromised
Now, by nature, we are imperfect beings, and maintaining integrity in every microinteraction can be challenging. When we find ourselves out of integrity, the key is to acknowledge it to the affected party and commit to a renewed standard of integrity. For example: “Being late to this meeting was out of alignment with the personal standards I’ve set for myself. To address this, I commit to making a concerted effort [name specific efforts] to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”