III. Enroll
By boldly envisioning and defining the structure of your perfect relationship, you’ve just created a powerful framework that now invites transformative possibilities.
But to create a perfect relationship, we need others involved. The final step is to enroll others in this vision you’ve been designing. When we defined the ideal of a perfect relationship in the previous section ‘Define’, we grounded that vision into our internal reality. In this section, we’re going to powerfully ground this vision into our external reality, by recruiting interested parties into that possibility.
Notice I said, ‘interested parties’. This means we’re not going about this by force, manipulation or other dark tactics. To create the possibility of a perfectly harmonious relationship with others, they must desire the same thing. Our job is to authentically sell this vision to others in a way where they can see the benefits and value of your vision in their lives.
When we engage in this powerful act of enrollment with others we not only open up the possibility of a perfect relationship with them, we also give others a deeper channel to support, advocate, inspire and hold us accountable to our vision.
In the past we may have had an idea of how a harmonious relationship might be imagined with another person, but we never had the tools to properly enroll them in it. But today, we have a clear and tangible vision—one that can be openly discussed and revised together, with mutual intention and effort. Today we can begin enrollment.
Words Create Worlds
This approach we’re engaged in is revolutionary to many people. Most people don’t go about this method of strengthening and securing their relationships with powerful words and meaningful intentions.
Due to the unfamiliarity of this process we need to tread lightly, especially if there is tension in a current relationship. It’s easy for others to mistake you expressing your needs and desires for secretly desiring power and control over them. Therefore, language is absolutely fundamental when enrolling others into your idea of a perfect relationship.
Stop Assigning Blame
In the section “Define” we talked about being “cause in the matter” as the recognition that you are the source of your own experiences and outcomes and that claiming ownership over your experiences in life moves you from the seat of the victim to the source of empowerment. When we’re enrolling others in our vision we’re going to want to maintain this sentiment by watching for moments where we might unconsciously assign blame.
Language of Aggression
“When you come home late every night, you make me feel like I’m not appreciated. Why are you being so distant?”
Language of Enrollment
“When you come home late every night, I feel like I’m not appreciated. I guess I feel distant from you in a way that makes me sad. I want to be more connected to you so I can love you more.”
Craft Your Agreements
We often know what we don’t want, but we rarely know what we do want. When we’re aware of the negative but too lazy to imagine the positive possibilities, we leave people close to us with very little to go on as far as how they can mutually engage in moving forward with us. When you have enrollment conversations with others, it's important to speak from a place of possibility rather than irritability.
Observe how stark the contrast is between Person A who is approaching the conversation from an aggressive angle and Person B who is using positive, progressive enrollment language.
Person A: Language of Aggression
“When you come home late every night, you make me feel like I’m not appreciated. Why are you being so distant? If you don’t start spending more time with me I’m outta here.”
Person B: Language of Enrollment
“When you come home late every night, I feel like I’m not appreciated. I feel distant from you in a way that makes me sad. I enjoy and get excited being close to my partner and spending quality time with them. That date we had where we went to the skating rink and had wine next to the bay, I felt so joyful and happy; full of life. Do you remember? Didn’t you enjoy that time too? I haven’t felt that way in a while. I think finding a way to spend more dedicated time together would make me feel amazing! I would be able to show up for you full of fun and laughter. How would spending more time together feel for you? Would you be open to exploring this with me?”
Notice with Person B, how being cause in the matter and claiming their truth for desiring closeness left no blame on the partner? It was merely an expression of her feelings and desires. She wasn’t telling her partner what not to do but what kind of arrangement would bring her the most happiness in that relationship.
Relate As A Team
When we experience tension and turmoil in our relationships we often feel alone. It's not uncommon to see our partner as the source of our pain, which can make them feel like the last person who could help us solve the problem.”.
In the last example, Person B engaged her partner using the language of enrollment. She invited him to share his experience of the recent negative dynamic, asking insightful questions to uncover if there was a shared discontent, perhaps unnoticed by him. Person B took actions aimed at creating value that would lead to the results the two of them actually wanted.
This approach created the space for shared responsibility, empowering both parties to take ownership and work together to find a solution. This is teamwork.
Being ‘Right’ Ruins The Bunch
With person A, aggressive language was used. This kind of language immediately shuts the other parties down. Emotions flood the space and there is little room for reflection and insight. It’s a closed system because it perpetuates people's need to ‘be right’ about a problem.
By relinquishing the need to be right, individuals can create more open, flexible, and impactful interactions. When we are overly attached to being right, we limit our ability to listen, collaborate, and create new possibilities. The fixation on being right keeps us locked in a fixed mindset, preventing us from seeing things from others’ perspectives or exploring new solutions.
Understand What You Want Before You Ask
When we don’t take the time to envision our perfect relationships, we risk asking for possibilities with others that we don’t actually want. As we witnessed in the envision exercise, our imperfect-persona is consistently advocating for safety at all costs; costs that have the potential to limit the possibility of a perfect relationship.
For example, let’s say you’re lonely and you haven’t dated anyone in a while. You are probably really wanting to get close to someone so you can end the torment of being alone. So you’re on the hunt to find someone, anyone who will fill that gap. Then one day you find someone. They’re ok. You date them for a couple months but you start to notice a malaise of discontent growing in the background as time passes. You watch yourself trying to find all of these desperate ways to fix the problem. You find that using enrolling language actually helps maintain the relationship, yet regardless of what you do, there’s still that feeling of disappointment.
This kind of situation happens all the time. No matter how much you use enrolling language in a scenario like this, you’ll still find yourself unhappy because—why are you trying to fix something you’re not content with in the first place?? The enrolling language you’re using is actually having the opposite impact that it was designed for—to create perfect relationships. You can’t have a perfect relationship with just anyone— they need to be right for you!
In this example, the imperfect-persona used insecurity in the form of loneliness to drive the boat. The key to catching these sneaky moves is by envisioning exactly what kind of partner you actually want to enroll in a relationship. Be aware of this moving forward.
Enrollment Language In Dating and Meeting New People
Much of what we’ve talked about so far sounds like it’s for couples, but what about those of us that are looking to meet new people? Whether you’re attending singles mixers or approaching people in social spaces, enrollment language is the most effective way to create a deeper relationship, faster.
For example, in the section ‘Stop Assigning Blame’ I discussed how removing your partner from the disagreement and focusing on your own feelings—using ‘I’ statements—helps free them from blame, creating space for them to engage in the conversation without becoming defensive.
The same principle applies to dating and getting to know new people. When you use ‘I’ statements to express how you feel about the possibility of connecting with someone, you take the pressure off them to explain themselves if they don’t feel a mutual interest. This empowers them with the freedom to respond (or not respond) honestly, without feeling obligated. For example:
A. Non-enrollment language: “Would you like to go on a date sometime?”
In this case, there’s an obligation for them to respond. You're asking something from them. Wanting something from them. If they’re not interested, they might feel pressure to tell you something they think you want to hear. You’ve backed them into a corner and now there’s fear and discomfort.
B. Enrollment language: “I would actually be thrilled to go on a date sometime, there’s something about you that fills me with energy. I think we’d have an awesome time!”
In this case, there’s no obligation, you’re just stating how you feel. It’s merely a matter of fact and no response is even necessary. This slight change in language empowers the responding party and creates a presence of freedom while interacting with you.
The Pillars of Creating Powerful Enrollment Language
These core principles empower you to craft enrollment language that resonates deeply, inspires authentically, and invites others into a shared vision with natural connection and mutual trust.
1. Express how you feel and articulate your desires clearly.
Take the time to know what you actually want by completing the envision exercise. If what you want is what makes you authentically empowered (i.e. it isn’t there just to feed your imperfect-persona’s insecurities), then give yourself the permission to express that fully.
2. Be the “cause in the matter” of your life.
This requires recognizing that while others may trigger our emotions, we are ultimately responsible for how we feel. This means creating a clear distinction between blaming them for our emotional state and owning our feelings, which empowers us to shift our responses and transform the interaction.
3. Invite the other party to share their feelings about the situation you’re both experiencing.
When two people see that there’s value for everyone involved, especially themselves, they will be motivated to take action.
4. Don’t use ‘blaming’ language.
Use positive, uplifting words that captivates, inspires and touches others hearts.
5. Invite them into a new possibility of a perfect relationship you’re envisioning.
Use vivid language that paints the picture of a wonderful world the two of you could share together. Use the contract you made in the Define exercise to clearly express what kind of relationship would inspire your best self to be active and alive. Invite them to explore what their vision would be that might create the same results. Offer your support in helping them achieve it.